Day before yesterday I bought a stethoscope so we could listen to the baby's heartbeat. It took a little manuevering and patience, but I finally heard it. I let Clint listen, and for a while he had a frustrated look on his face like he wasn't sure what he was listening for (the baby's heartbeat is usually a little softer and faster than mom's, which you still hear). I started to feel silly with him listening to my belly, and moved the stehoscope away, when he said, "No, don't!" I put it back and he listened a little more, and then got a big smile on his face, and said he could hear it. Just...wow.
My mom is coming up this weekend to visit and help us work on the nursery. We think we are going to go with cream-colored paint and a blue border. The room is actually painted blue now, but it's a very murky shade of blue that is kind of gloomy for a baby's room. I am putting the pressure on Clint to get the rest of his junk out of the baby room so we can get started! Yikes, do we need a bigger place! Someday...
Thursday I have a doctor's appt here in town with the nurse practitioner, and then Friday Clint and I are driving to Charlottesville for the last ultrasound (22 weeks). It's supposed to be a really neat one. I hope so. The last one wasn't all that impressive, although I guess they could tell it was a boy and I sort of saw it's little ET alien face. I am going to talk to the nurse practitioner about my back problems, and see if she can send me to get some massage. I keep getting muscle spasms in my upper back, even though I do my yoga almost every day, and I've also been experiencing this terrific aching pressure on my tailbone---I have to sit a lot at my job, and at home (I'm studying for my German exam), and I think the extra weight on my backside is taking its toll.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Monday, February 23, 2004
Pure mush
Clint's been having a rough couple of days here, and trying to be there for him and feeling his hurt as if it were my own, I am realizing once again how connected at the heart I am with this man. I never thought I could love someone this intensely for this long, and I know my feelings will be just as strong if not more so for this child that is coming. I'm just overwhlemed by it sometimes, I really am.
(Love you, Honey. Hang in there!)
(Love you, Honey. Hang in there!)
Monday, February 16, 2004
Doh!
Dangit! I accidentally slipped up on the phone to Clint's mom...and now the word is out. We're having a boy. I did have a long talk with them about how we don't want all blue clothes and trucks and trains. We want our baby to discover for himself what he likes and doesn't like, not have anyone tell him "big boys don't cry," or "only girls play with dolls." I started crying on the phone, realizing already the heartbreak of trying to raise a sane, happy child in this world. I hope he will look at his mommy working and paying bills and his daddy cooking and cleaning and not pay too much attention to the sexist social programming all around him.
I was talking to Clint about this last night, and I really hope when our child is older we can live somewhere with a Unitarian church again. I know Clint doesn't always get everything he needs there spiritually, but I think in terms of teaching children the values we both share (environmentalism, peace, tolerance, social activism, acceptance of difference, the value of religious inquiry and finding the truth for yourself), UU's are miles ahead of most other denominations. And the people are really nice, too. We just felt really comfortable with the people at our old congregation. Our church here is okay, and the pastor and his family seem really nice, but we don't have the sense of community we had there. And I think you need to be connected to a community when you're raising a child, especially when you're as far away from your extended family as we are.
I was talking to Clint about this last night, and I really hope when our child is older we can live somewhere with a Unitarian church again. I know Clint doesn't always get everything he needs there spiritually, but I think in terms of teaching children the values we both share (environmentalism, peace, tolerance, social activism, acceptance of difference, the value of religious inquiry and finding the truth for yourself), UU's are miles ahead of most other denominations. And the people are really nice, too. We just felt really comfortable with the people at our old congregation. Our church here is okay, and the pastor and his family seem really nice, but we don't have the sense of community we had there. And I think you need to be connected to a community when you're raising a child, especially when you're as far away from your extended family as we are.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Halfway there
Sunday, Kathy reached the halfway point in her/our pregnancy. It's been an interesting 4 1/2 months, and the biggest changes, I think, are yet to come.
I've been struggling a bit trying to thinsomething to report from my side of the wom, but I think I will use this post to record my feelings here at the halfway point.
Naturally, I am elated at the prospect of seeing this little baby of mine come out at the end of June. Watching Kathy's belly swell with our little bundle of joy is a wonderful feeling, and I keep thinking about how I want to spend time with our child. However, I have some less-comfortable feelings within me as the baby grows.
The past week, I have experienced something I haven't felt in many years, namely panic attacks. I have a fear of my own mortality, and when I was living by myself in the mountains of North Carolina, I was often struck by panic attacks as I tried to go to sleep, thinking of dying alone, with no one to remember me.
For some reason, I had those feelings again this past week, again as I lay down to sleep. I want to believe in an afterlife, and I pray that my soul shall live on after my body has drawn its last breath, but the analytical part of me gets in the way, sometimes.
Then, I have also noticed in the past few days, flashing back to my own childhood. The oddest things trigger it. The other night, we ran out of milk and I had to run to the convenience store and picked up a carton. We usually buy it buy the plastic jug, as I'm sure most people do these days. In any case, as I was driving home with it, I found myself flashing back to my childhood, when my father drove a milk truck and would let me climb in the back sometimes to grab my fill of chocolate milk and lemonade.
Another time, I was in the bathtub, cleaning myself off, and I found myself looking at the washed-off soap floating on the surface, looking like nebulae forming in the heavens, and remembered how I would do this back when I was a child and determined to go to those stars in person.
I just wonder how many of these feelings I'm going to have before the pregnancy is over, and if they'll continue as we see our baby grow and have those same kinds of experiences that we had 30+ years ago.
I've been struggling a bit trying to thinsomething to report from my side of the wom, but I think I will use this post to record my feelings here at the halfway point.
Naturally, I am elated at the prospect of seeing this little baby of mine come out at the end of June. Watching Kathy's belly swell with our little bundle of joy is a wonderful feeling, and I keep thinking about how I want to spend time with our child. However, I have some less-comfortable feelings within me as the baby grows.
The past week, I have experienced something I haven't felt in many years, namely panic attacks. I have a fear of my own mortality, and when I was living by myself in the mountains of North Carolina, I was often struck by panic attacks as I tried to go to sleep, thinking of dying alone, with no one to remember me.
For some reason, I had those feelings again this past week, again as I lay down to sleep. I want to believe in an afterlife, and I pray that my soul shall live on after my body has drawn its last breath, but the analytical part of me gets in the way, sometimes.
Then, I have also noticed in the past few days, flashing back to my own childhood. The oddest things trigger it. The other night, we ran out of milk and I had to run to the convenience store and picked up a carton. We usually buy it buy the plastic jug, as I'm sure most people do these days. In any case, as I was driving home with it, I found myself flashing back to my childhood, when my father drove a milk truck and would let me climb in the back sometimes to grab my fill of chocolate milk and lemonade.
Another time, I was in the bathtub, cleaning myself off, and I found myself looking at the washed-off soap floating on the surface, looking like nebulae forming in the heavens, and remembered how I would do this back when I was a child and determined to go to those stars in person.
I just wonder how many of these feelings I'm going to have before the pregnancy is over, and if they'll continue as we see our baby grow and have those same kinds of experiences that we had 30+ years ago.
Friday, February 13, 2004
OOWWW!!!
Any of you out there who've been pregnant: when the baby kicks, is is supposed to feel like...well, like a tiny person is angrily kicking the inside of your pussy? With little steel-toed Doc Martens? Owwww, stop it! Negative 4 1/2 months old and already a troublemaker!
Monday, February 02, 2004
Latest Update
Friday I went to see the obstetrician here in town to talk to him about our test results on Wednesday. He said everything looks good and "keep up the good work." (I said, "Uh, I'm just trying to get by day-to-day, actually.")
He also listened to the baby's heartbeat, and boy, was it loud this time! I thought it was my heartbeat at first. So that's more good news. I have another appointment in a month with his new nurse practitioner (he had one of his partners retire and the other one, move away, so he's been in practice by himself the past few months---which has created some problems when he has someone go into labor during office hours!) Everyone says she's really nice. I am going to talk to her about birthing options.
Also, if I didn't mention it before, we are signed up for childbirth classes at the hospital---they start in March.
He also listened to the baby's heartbeat, and boy, was it loud this time! I thought it was my heartbeat at first. So that's more good news. I have another appointment in a month with his new nurse practitioner (he had one of his partners retire and the other one, move away, so he's been in practice by himself the past few months---which has created some problems when he has someone go into labor during office hours!) Everyone says she's really nice. I am going to talk to her about birthing options.
Also, if I didn't mention it before, we are signed up for childbirth classes at the hospital---they start in March.
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