Some baby details

Day before yesterday I bought a stethoscope so we could listen to the baby's heartbeat. It took a little manuevering and patience, but I finally heard it. I let Clint listen, and for a while he had a frustrated look on his face like he wasn't sure what he was listening for (the baby's heartbeat is usually a little softer and faster than mom's, which you still hear). I started to feel silly with him listening to my belly, and moved the stehoscope away, when he said, "No, don't!" I put it back and he listened a little more, and then got a big smile on his face, and said he could hear it. Just...wow.

My mom is coming up this weekend to visit and help us work on the nursery. We think we are going to go with cream-colored paint and a blue border. The room is actually painted blue now, but it's a very murky shade of blue that is kind of gloomy for a baby's room. I am putting the pressure on Clint to get the rest of his junk out of the baby room so we can get started! Yikes, do we need a bigger place! Someday...

Thursday I have a doctor's appt here in town with the nurse practitioner, and then Friday Clint and I are driving to Charlottesville for the last ultrasound (22 weeks). It's supposed to be a really neat one. I hope so. The last one wasn't all that impressive, although I guess they could tell it was a boy and I sort of saw it's little ET alien face. I am going to talk to the nurse practitioner about my back problems, and see if she can send me to get some massage. I keep getting muscle spasms in my upper back, even though I do my yoga almost every day, and I've also been experiencing this terrific aching pressure on my tailbone---I have to sit a lot at my job, and at home (I'm studying for my German exam), and I think the extra weight on my backside is taking its toll.

Pure mush

Clint's been having a rough couple of days here, and trying to be there for him and feeling his hurt as if it were my own, I am realizing once again how connected at the heart I am with this man. I never thought I could love someone this intensely for this long, and I know my feelings will be just as strong if not more so for this child that is coming. I'm just overwhlemed by it sometimes, I really am.

(Love you, Honey. Hang in there!)

Doh!

Dangit! I accidentally slipped up on the phone to Clint's mom...and now the word is out. We're having a boy. I did have a long talk with them about how we don't want all blue clothes and trucks and trains. We want our baby to discover for himself what he likes and doesn't like, not have anyone tell him "big boys don't cry," or "only girls play with dolls." I started crying on the phone, realizing already the heartbreak of trying to raise a sane, happy child in this world. I hope he will look at his mommy working and paying bills and his daddy cooking and cleaning and not pay too much attention to the sexist social programming all around him.

I was talking to Clint about this last night, and I really hope when our child is older we can live somewhere with a Unitarian church again. I know Clint doesn't always get everything he needs there spiritually, but I think in terms of teaching children the values we both share (environmentalism, peace, tolerance, social activism, acceptance of difference, the value of religious inquiry and finding the truth for yourself), UU's are miles ahead of most other denominations. And the people are really nice, too. We just felt really comfortable with the people at our old congregation. Our church here is okay, and the pastor and his family seem really nice, but we don't have the sense of community we had there. And I think you need to be connected to a community when you're raising a child, especially when you're as far away from your extended family as we are.

Halfway there

Sunday, Kathy reached the halfway point in her/our pregnancy. It's been an interesting 4 1/2 months, and the biggest changes, I think, are yet to come.

I've been struggling a bit trying to thinsomething to report from my side of the wom, but I think I will use this post to record my feelings here at the halfway point.

Naturally, I am elated at the prospect of seeing this little baby of mine come out at the end of June. Watching Kathy's belly swell with our little bundle of joy is a wonderful feeling, and I keep thinking about how I want to spend time with our child. However, I have some less-comfortable feelings within me as the baby grows.

The past week, I have experienced something I haven't felt in many years, namely panic attacks. I have a fear of my own mortality, and when I was living by myself in the mountains of North Carolina, I was often struck by panic attacks as I tried to go to sleep, thinking of dying alone, with no one to remember me.

For some reason, I had those feelings again this past week, again as I lay down to sleep. I want to believe in an afterlife, and I pray that my soul shall live on after my body has drawn its last breath, but the analytical part of me gets in the way, sometimes.

Then, I have also noticed in the past few days, flashing back to my own childhood. The oddest things trigger it. The other night, we ran out of milk and I had to run to the convenience store and picked up a carton. We usually buy it buy the plastic jug, as I'm sure most people do these days. In any case, as I was driving home with it, I found myself flashing back to my childhood, when my father drove a milk truck and would let me climb in the back sometimes to grab my fill of chocolate milk and lemonade.

Another time, I was in the bathtub, cleaning myself off, and I found myself looking at the washed-off soap floating on the surface, looking like nebulae forming in the heavens, and remembered how I would do this back when I was a child and determined to go to those stars in person.

I just wonder how many of these feelings I'm going to have before the pregnancy is over, and if they'll continue as we see our baby grow and have those same kinds of experiences that we had 30+ years ago.

OOWWW!!!

Any of you out there who've been pregnant: when the baby kicks, is is supposed to feel like...well, like a tiny person is angrily kicking the inside of your pussy? With little steel-toed Doc Martens? Owwww, stop it! Negative 4 1/2 months old and already a troublemaker!

Latest Update

Friday I went to see the obstetrician here in town to talk to him about our test results on Wednesday. He said everything looks good and "keep up the good work." (I said, "Uh, I'm just trying to get by day-to-day, actually.")

He also listened to the baby's heartbeat, and boy, was it loud this time! I thought it was my heartbeat at first. So that's more good news. I have another appointment in a month with his new nurse practitioner (he had one of his partners retire and the other one, move away, so he's been in practice by himself the past few months---which has created some problems when he has someone go into labor during office hours!) Everyone says she's really nice. I am going to talk to her about birthing options.

Also, if I didn't mention it before, we are signed up for childbirth classes at the hospital---they start in March.

Ultrasound results

Yippee! We passed the ultrasound with flying colors---none of the markers of any genetic or congenital disorders were present! At this point, our risk of having a baby with any genetic problem has been lowered to about 1:2000, which is less than the risk that a 20 year-old mother would have without having had the screening test. It turns out they want to do one more ultrasound---at 22 weeks---just to make sure, because there were two markers they couldn't see yet. But things look pretty good. The baby was once again very active, to the point that the technician was having trouble getting it to stay still long enough to see some of the markers! Hope it calms down a little by the time it's born! :)

Also, we found out the sex of the baby. But...we're not saying, because we don't want our families to know, and a couple of Clint's family members check in here occasionally. So, hate us if you want, but you're all going to have to wait!

Test results back

Just got back the results of the quadruple screen (for genetic problems and birth defects)...and everything is completely normal! So, the last big test is the ultrasound, which we get tomorrow.

6-months of married...okay, not *bliss* always, but love, anyway! :)

Today is Clint's and my six-month wedding anniversary. Thinking about it, I realized we have been pregnant for 2/3 of our married life so far! That is pretty crazy, huh?

My mom and I were talking about it this weekend, and we were both really amazed that I got pregnant that fast. My mom went into menopause at age 43, so I expected that I was coming to the end of my fertility and would find it hard to conceive. I had already talked to my doctor about fertility treatments, and we were only going to give nature about six months. I guess that's part of why I've been kinda neurotic about having a miscarriage or something being wrong with the baby...it seems too easy so far (well, ok, not the morning sickness part). Today I go in for the triple screen, a blood test that is the first test they do for genetic problems. Here's hoping everything is okay...

Mini update

No big news, but here's something funny for all of you:

Last week this part of VA got hit by an earthquake. I didn't find out what it was until I got home and Clint told me. But when it first hit, I thought it was some new weird pregnancy symptom! :)

It moved!

I know the pic below doesn't look like much still...but if you look at it next to the earlier one, it is lying in the opposite direction! And, we saw the beginnings of the heartbeat, and could see little limbs forming!

BTW, Clint was really cute at the doctor's office...he said "awwwww..." and grabbed my hand as soon as he saw little Flipper up on the screen.

Hey, it's a... turtle?

Got back from the OB-GYN a little wile ago, and here's out little 'un at ten weeks:

A little better (*burp*)

The past two days I've eaten a whole kaiser roll before I've even gotten out of bed (Thanks, Clint), and it seems to be helping in the morning some. Last night we had Mexican food right before going to church choir rehearsal, though, and I thought my stomach was going to explode before the evening was over. I'm still really hot all the time, too. And sleeeeeepy...

Ooooooohhhhhhh...

Can you have hot flashes when you're pregnant? I feel like I am burning up. I also have heartburn all the way from the pit of my stomach to my throat, a sewer-like taste in my mouth as bad as after my worst night of drinking, my back is killing me, I have a headache, and I can't even move without feeling like I am going to barf. This morning I've been making phone calls while lying on the floor of my office (my anti-static mat feels soooo nice and cool). Basically, it feels as awful as the worst hangover I've ever had, only it's lasting for *days*...

Help. :(

First piccie

Our 7-week old, um, turtle! :)

It's true! It's really true!

I called the OB's (Dr. Troise) office Monday about the bleeding and they told me to come in today just to make sure everything was okay. Which I did.

And...I have a urinary tract infection. Also, the baby (okay, the blob, really) is 7 weeks old, and is due June 30th. The doctor said it was too early to hear a heartbeat, but that there was "cardiac activity," by which I assume he meant some group of contiguous cells with synchronous activity. And as far as he could tell, everything seemed normal.

Clint wasn't in his office when I went by on my way back to work, but I left the ultrasound of the blob on his desk. You can sort of tell there's some sort of organized activity going on, but it definitely has a long way to go! I'll bet that grainy little picture will put a grin on Clint's face, though. Check back later, and I'm sure he'll have it scanned.

Whoops! Spoke too soon :(

Well, my elation of the last post was short lived. The day care center I spoke of *does* have openings...but it also costs $700 a month, which there is no way we can afford. Basically, most of Clint's salary would be going to pay day care.

Soo...I am trying to figure out the best thing to do. Obviously we need either, a) better-paying jobs, or b) to live somewhere with cheaper day care, c) both a and b , or d) to declare bancruptcy. I don't like d) much, since I've been working my ass off for the last 15-20 years working and going to school with the fantasy that I might someday own my own home. c) seems like the best option, particularly since we don't really like Lexington that much anyway, but it's going to be hard for two people to find jobs in the same place at the same time. And of course, for the time being, we're stuck here at least until the baby is born because we need the health insurance (also, it's hard to get hired when you're pregnant---and puh-lease don't give me that b.s. about how they're not supposed to discriminate against you. I've *never* had a job where I didn't face at least some on-the-job sexual discrimination, so why should I expect employers not to discriminate against me when I'm pregnant?). In the meantime, Clint is going to ask some people at his work who have kids, and see if he can find out about cheaper day care.

Sucky to have to worry about this right now. Also, I've had some more bleeding, which makes me nervous. I called the hospital last night and they said it was probably okay, some women just have that---but it still stresses me out.

One thing I *don't* have to worry about

Good news today...I found out the best daycare center in town, which is right across the street from my office, takes infants! They have a waiting list, but they say that it usually is only for a couple of months, so if we get on it right away, they should have an opening by the time we're ready to go back to work (I will take my six weeks paid leave, and then Clint is thinking about taking a month of unpaid leave for baby-Daddy bonding time after I go back to work). So, Clint and I could go in every day and have lunch with baby if we wanted to! I don't know what they charge yet...but they are supposed to be subsidized, and I get some kind of benefit from my work for daycare, too. So hopefully, it won't be too bad, though I know we'll feel the pinch. I hope we get decent raises next year...but with the economy being what it is, I won't count on it.

I have been feeling rather urpy the past week. Haven't actually barfed or anything; it's more like mild reflux with nausea, so I can't complain too much, but it's still not fun. I also feel like I am the size of a house, partly because, uh, things aren't moving, if you know what I mean. I am going to have to face facts and get some bigger bras soon, too. Mama here is bustin' out! (hehe, bad pun!)

How it's Going

Kathy's a little nauseous, but she's holding on. Me? I'm hanging in there. Just somebody, please, send us a crib!

Ta-Daaa!

For anyone reading this, Kathy and I are pregnant!!! WOO-HOOOOO!!!!

We actually found out last Wednesday, but we waited until we could be sure about telling people. Kathy took a test last Wednesday and then again Saturday, and both times it came out positive. After talking to an OB-GYN, we have a sonogram set up for December 5.

I'm gonna be a daddy! Kathy's gonna be a mommy!! The pets are gonna be SO jealous!!!!